A great story on The Morning News about a guy who is trying to preserve his spoiler-free existence in the face of meddling Internets, bus riders, and Amazon delivery guys:

Well, don’t you worry. This book will be on your doorstep tomorrow afternoon, ready to read.

I, of course, could read the book–YOUR book–right now.

And I gotta admit, it WOULD be fun to be one of the first people in the world to know how it all ends.

Hmm. So, maybe I’ll just read the last page…

OH MY GOD I CANNOT BELIEVE IT!! IT WAS ALL A DREAM???!

Hah hah. I’m just yanking your chain. That’s not how it ends. Or maybe it IS, and I’m just saying it’s not so you’ll be doubly surprised when you finish it. You never know.

I really did read the last page, though. The final word is “haberdashery.” You can verify that when you get the book. Tomorrow. A full day after I had it.

I gotta tell ya, though: Now that I know how it ends, I kind of want to read the whole thing. If I start right now, I could probably finish it and get this book in the mail to you by Wednesday. You wouldn’t mind waiting a few extra days, would you?

Also, I dog-ear pages to save my place. I hope that’s OK.

j/k. I wouldn’t really read this book. 1,000 words about fairies? Yeah, no. Besides, who has the time? Some of us have to work for a living. For instance, I bust my hump 60 hours a week schlepping your books around.

Besides, I’d rather see the movie anyway. That chick who plays Hermione is smoking hot. I’d quidditch, if you know what I’m sayin’.

 Including analysis of the ncessary and sufficient epistemic conditions for an arbitrary statement to qualify as a spoiler:

  • Did your comment spoil my reading experience? Yes.
  • Was my experience any less spoiled because you didn’t know your comment was true? No.
  • Was my experience any less spoiled because you really, truly, honestly, swear to God didn’t mean to spoil the experience for anyone? No.
  • Was my experience any less spoiled because I knew your comment was true only by accident? Nope again.

Read it.  (Spoiler alert.)

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